"Hair is vitally personal to children.

They weep vigorously when it is cut for the first time; no matter how

it grows, bushy, straight or curly, they feel they are being shorn of

a part of their personality."

~Charles Chaplin, My Autobiography, 1964


I don't think I'll look at my hair in a negative way ever again in my life. I was thinking about that today, looking at myself in the mirror as I got ready for the day. I used to hate my naturally curly hair. I would straighten it a lot, or tie it back tightly, rarely letting it do it's own thing. They say that your hair can completely change after going through chemotherapy - apparently it's rare that it comes back the same, so who knows, maybe it will come back white blonde and stick straight! No matter what it looks like, I feel like I will always appreciate it. Sure, I'll probably have bad hair days or get frustrated when I'm growing it out, but I'll still appreciate it.

I knew that my hair was going to fall out - the nurses and doctors were pretty clear that it wasn't just a common side effect, it was a guarantee. A couple of weeks after my second surgery when I already knew I would be doing chemo I went to my hairdresser and said "let's chop it". For me it was almost an emotional test to see how I would handle a sudden change in my hairstyle. I enjoyed the cut, it was cute, had lots of movement and body, but I already missed my long hair. My hair started falling out almost 2 weeks to the day after my first chemo treatment, exactly when they said it would. At first I couldn't really tell the difference between my normal amount of hair loss and chemo loss, until one day it just wouldn't stop coming out. Handfuls of it at a time. My scalp hurt, almost like I had a really bad sunburn, and I was devastated. Prepared, sure, but devastated. I won't lie, I cried a lot for a few days while I tried to decide what to do. I talked to my sisters and my mom, they were heartbroken for me. Then one day my sister Kristy told me to shave it, she made that point that if I made the appointment to get it shaved and did it in my own time, then I was taking control. I called and made the appointment, and promptly burst into tears as soon as I got off the phone. I only had one and a half days until that appointment, and I honestly just tried to put it out of my mind. The day came and my mom had driven in from Kelowna, Chris came with me and so did Kristy, and we found some wifi so we could FaceTime my other sister Heather in Kelowna. Wow - what a hard day. I had amazing support, and of course everyone told me I looked good with a shaved head, but they kind of had to at that exact moment!
I haven't gone anywhere without a wig on. I even don't like going out in the backyard without a wig on in case I run into a neighbour. In the last part of that quote at the top of this post, Chaplin says "shorn of a part of their personality". While he's talking about a child's first haircut I think he accurately describes what any man or woman feels when faced with sudden hair loss. Who am I now? Does my bald head scream "CANCER PATIENT!" to everyone? Does a shaved head change who I am? No, but the whole process of going through cancer certainly has. People would undoubtedly stare if I wandered around bald, would I be able to handle all the looks, all the stares, all the judgement? Probably not. I'm a fairly confident person but I'm not quite ready to go about my everyday life thinking about what everyone else is thinking about me, because for some reason I always think that people assume the worst. My wigs allow me to have that layer of protection, I am happy I have them. That being said, I don't REALLY care what other people think, I am the one fighting cancer and kicking butt at it, and I don't want or need to waste my energy explaining my looks to anyone.
I went to a session at the Tom Baker called Look Good Feel Better, it was a short course on how to apply makeup and how to choose a wig. Kristy came with me and we both noted that I was by far the youngest person there. The course was interesting (and the freebies were great!), but the one thing I will always remember from that is how much some of those ladies attending just lit up when they put a wig on. It immediately boosted their self confidence, their eyes brightened and their shoulders dropped and chins lifted. Amazing. When other attendees would offer a sincere compliment the smiles would start. It was then that I realized how much our emotions and self confidence are attached to our hair.
I realized tonight that my 12 week old niece now has more hair than I do. My first thought was "holy crap where did that hair come from!?", and my second was "gee I hope my hair grows that fast". I'll share a picture with you guys at the end of this post - me and her with almost the same hairstyle. Maybe I can start keeping a running tally of what we both look like as we grow out our hair!

One good thing about going through chemo - it's like getting a blank slate, tabula rasa. You get to essentially start from scratch and reinvent your identity - new hair, new eyebrows, new outlook on life - but this time you get a pre-built, solid network of loving friends and family. How can you go wrong with that kind of start?