So.... What better day to get back into blogging than the one year mark of my completion surgery.... the day they took all of the cancer out of me... the day that completely changed my life and my future. It also happens to be the same day as one of my follow up appointments at the Tom Baker. Now, I know these follow ups are important, but I can honestly say that I would much rather be hanging out at the stampede in the heat than sitting around a hospital! Luckily, we skipped town tonight and get to be at the cabin for the weekend.

The follow up started with me waiting an hour and a half in the waiting room because they were behind... But then it got better because I was lucky enough to get to see my oncologist! I haven't seen him for almost a year, all of the other visits have been with residents and step-ins, but today it was Dr.Nelson. We had a good chat, he called me boring (which is a good thing for a follow up!). There are no new symptoms, no new lumps or bumps, no new concerns. My CA125 level (a cancer marker in the blood) is holding steady at 18 (normal levels are anywhere between 0-35). He is going to send me for an MRI just to get a "baseline", as he calls it, so we have something to look at down the road. He is still wanting me to avoid radiation as much as possible (does standing in front of a microwave count??), so no CT or PET scan for me, although he said the radiologists might fight him over the MRI. He will fight back for me though - that's why he's so great! For now though, I can say that everything is good and I can't really complain.

Whining and complaining were never things that were tolerated in my family when I was growing up. If we tried pleading our case by saying "it's not fair", my mom would always say the same thing: life is not always fair. She didn't say life is never fair, she said not always. I have had a lot of moments over the last year where I have thought "why me", "why now", "why this kind of cancer". There are no answers. So I have decided to make a pact with myself to NOT think those phrases again. No why's, because that just leads me back into the past where there really aren't any answers. I can learn from the past, and hopefully others can learn from my past, but I can't change anything so I might as well live in the present and look forward to the future. No what if's. If I start thinking about these things I get caught up in so many different scenarios of what might happen, and let me tell you the scenarios are not always good ones! I could spend hours thinking about what my life should have been, where I should be in my life (I should have 2.5 kids by now right?). It doesn't help though.

So right now, in the present, I want to tell you exactly how I feel.

Proud. I am proud of everything that Chris and I have faced in the last year. I am proud of how we have handled everything. I am proud of how we are moving forward with our lives.

Loved. I have so many amazing family and friends who have helped me through everything. These people showed me just how strong they are - they didn't disappear when the news came out, they stepped up. It's amazing.

Challenged. It's hard not to fall back into everyday routines, everyday patterns, everyday thoughts. Sometimes I still get upset over things that really don't matter, sometimes I make things seem unimportant when they are actually a big deal. It's all about perspective. Mine is a lot different now that I have been through what I have - but in a good way. Overall I honestly believe it has made me a better person.

Alive. Literally, obviously, but emotionally as well.

So how do I make sure that I keep my promise to myself? I have a song. Every time the why's and what if's start to creep into my head I listen to my song, or I sing the lyrics in my head. I've written out the first part of the song for you, and included a link so you can listen for yourself - I will leave you with it.

So damn easy to say that life's so hard,
Everybody's got their share of battle scars,
As for me I'd like to thank my lucky stars,
That I'm alive, and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain,
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames,
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain,
But not me, I'm alive

And today you know that's good enough for me,
Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see,
Today's the first day of the rest of my life,
And I'm alive, and well

http://youtu.be/WLgLfD3wElQ