Treatment four is done, only two more to go. I'm still having decent luck with the side effects, a little more nauseous and a little more tired/sore every time but overall I still feel very, very lucky! I can't believe that it's already October 20th, I can see the finish line of my treatments! One of my nurses this past time commented on how positive I seem to be, and asked me how I continue to keep a positive attitude. I answered her honestly - I know I've discussed this a little in other posts - there really isn't room for negativity when you are going through something like this. You need energy, and keeping it positive just helps with the emotions. She then asked me whether I thought this experience has changed my personality or my character. Interesting question! Has it? So I have been thinking about personalities and character lately because of this - can people change? Can I change based on what I've been through and experienced? I think deep down you can change, and ultimately that will show on the surface.

A couple of years ago at work we did this personality profile test called insights - you answer a bunch of questions and it places you on a color wheel spectrum and defines your personality for you. I have always been extremely skeptical of these tests, I believe you can manipulate your answers to get what you want to see, but I still answered all the questions honestly. The insights system uses four color "energies" which are supposed to help you understand why you behave the way you do, and why others may behave differently. The exercise was supposed to get us to understand our team at work better, and possibly gain a better idea on how to work with these people. I personally think you should just get to know your co-workers and you can learn a lot by talking to them. In any case, the majority of my co-workers thought I would fall strictly into the Red energy- extroverted, high energy, authoritative, wanting power and control, but when we got our results I was anything but red. My other three colours were all pretty even, but red was the lowest it could be. We were given a summary of our personality profile and within that a list of careers that would fit our profile - according to the test I should have been a teacher, counsellor, nurse, psychologist - something in the helping profession. Boy was I doing the complete opposite being in technology with oil and gas!

Then a few weeks ago our team decided to do another team building event, and we were told we were going to do the Myers-Briggs personality test - this is probably one that more people recognize - I was curious as to whether everything I have been through in the past several months would have had a significant effect on the outcome of my test - i.e. had I changed much. Nope. Under the Myers Briggs test I have a personality profile of INFJ - introversion, intuition, feeling, judging. Now, like I said before I am normally skeptical of these tests but this oddly, this fits me perfectly. Here is a summary of "who I am":

INFJs make up only 1% to 3% of the population, the rarest of the personality types. They tend to be perfectionists who fear they aren’t living up to their potential. INFJs can always list the things they’ve left undone but have a hard time counting their accomplishments. INFJs hold strong convictions and are deeply affected by the suffering of others. However, because they are introverted, they prefer thinking about weighty issues to talking about them. Although INFJs are gentle by nature, they are formidable in battle.

When INFJs move into their extraverted mode, as they sometimes do, they can express a range of emotions and opinions quite effectively as they have excellent verbal skills. However, they tend to be cautious about revealing their positions. Like other feeling-judging types, they frequently feel caught between the desire to express their opinions and their reluctance to offend people. Some INFJs vent their private feelings to a few trusted friends. The friends are chosen with care, and the relationships are usually characterized by affection and trust. When INFJs turn from their feeling to their thinking function, they may appear aloof. Others sometimes conclude that this detachment reflects cynicism. A friend might fear that the insightful INFJ is so perceptive about human nature that the friend himself or herself is being judged. Generally this is not true at all. The INFJ is simply distracted by the need to focus and think. Under stress, INFJs are likely to overlook what’s going on in their immediate environment.

INFJs main objectives are leveraging their gifts as much as possible and feeling that they are useful to other people and that their efforts toward helping and caring for other people are appreciated. Material assets and wealth are important but usually are a secondary priority compared to the main objectives. Overall, INFJs are effective in occupations involving substantial intellectual work, caring for other people, and requiring creativity.

It's Thanksgiving weekend.... Already. Time flies when you're having fun, isn't that the old saying? I'm not sure about the fun part but time sure has gone by in a blur since my diagnoses.

I had my blood test yesterday in preparation for treatment (#4!) this coming Wednesday. The nurse was super nice and chatty, and then as she was reading the requisition form to enter the job into the computer she got really quiet. She looked at me and said "you're not going through chemo treatment right now are you?". I told her I was and she promptly teared up and had to leave the room to get a Kleenex. She came back and was surprised to hear that I had already had three treatments - "but you look so healthy!" She said to me. Yes, I do, and I am so happy about that. Part of me sometimes has the negative thought that since I'm not sick and having major side effects that maybe the chemo isn't working the way it is supposed to. When those thoughts come I just take a deep breath and try to change the subject in my mind. I would like to think that part of the reason I am having an easier time is not only because I am young, but also because I am staying active. I am trying to keep my muscles strong and know that exercise oxygenates the blood, so I have been walking Ryker as much as I can, attending boot camp run by my friend Brody (he's tough!), and also attending barre body classes with some of my girls. I'm not pushing myself so much that my body uses all it's energy to repair my muscles and recover from the workouts, I need that energy to fight this cancer and get through the chemo, but I hope I am doing enough to help my body be strong enough to beat this.

"Hair is vitally personal to children.

They weep vigorously when it is cut for the first time; no matter how

it grows, bushy, straight or curly, they feel they are being shorn of

a part of their personality."

~Charles Chaplin, My Autobiography, 1964

I don't think I'll look at my hair in a negative way ever again in my life. I was thinking about that today, looking at myself in the mirror as I got ready for the day. I used to hate my naturally curly hair. I would straighten it a lot, or tie it back tightly, rarely letting it do it's own thing. They say that your hair can completely change after going through chemotherapy - apparently it's rare that it comes back the same, so who knows, maybe it will come back white blonde and stick straight! No matter what it looks like, I feel like I will always appreciate it. Sure, I'll probably have bad hair days or get frustrated when I'm growing it out, but I'll still appreciate it.

One good thing about going through chemo - it's like getting a blank slate, tabula rasa. You get to essentially start from scratch and reinvent your identity - new hair, new eyebrows, new outlook on life - but this time you get a pre-built, solid network of loving friends and family. How can you go wrong with that kind of start?

How to ask for help. Seems simple enough, doesn't it? By its very definition, help means to make it easier for someone to do something by offering aid. We have all helped someone at some point in our lives. Most likely on a daily basis - for example I ask my husband sometimes to get me a drink from the basement, that's technically asking for help. I know that I personally love helping in any way that I can. I will run errands for people, babysit, pick someone up from the bar when they can't get a cab. I don't ever expect anything in return, I never say "you owe me", I just like feeling useful. I imagine a lot of people feel that way.