Teal is my New Black

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Thankful

It's Thanksgiving weekend.... Already. Time flies when you're having fun, isn't that the old saying? I'm not sure about the fun part but time sure has gone by in a blur since my diagnoses.

I had my blood test yesterday in preparation for treatment (#4!) this coming Wednesday. The nurse was super nice and chatty, and then as she was reading the requisition form to enter the job into the computer she got really quiet. She looked at me and said "you're not going through chemo treatment right now are you?". I told her I was and she promptly teared up and had to leave the room to get a Kleenex. She came back and was surprised to hear that I had already had three treatments - "but you look so healthy!" She said to me. Yes, I do, and I am so happy about that. Part of me sometimes has the negative thought that since I'm not sick and having major side effects that maybe the chemo isn't working the way it is supposed to. When those thoughts come I just take a deep breath and try to change the subject in my mind. I would like to think that part of the reason I am having an easier time is not only because I am young, but also because I am staying active. I am trying to keep my muscles strong and know that exercise oxygenates the blood, so I have been walking Ryker as much as I can, attending boot camp run by my friend Brody (he's tough!), and also attending barre body classes with some of my girls. I'm not pushing myself so much that my body uses all it's energy to repair my muscles and recover from the workouts, I need that energy to fight this cancer and get through the chemo, but I hope I am doing enough to help my body be strong enough to beat this.


I'm thankful for so many things this year.
My wonderful and loving husband who is such great support for me.
My mom and my sisters who have kept me laughing through this whole situation with what some may call a morbid sense of humor.
My dog. He keeps me moving, keeps me smiling, and reminds me that things are still exciting even when you get to do them every day.
My inlaws and my brother and sister in law who check in with is regularly and have supplied us with a few bottles of wine that have (and will in the future) come in handy.
My girlfriends who distract me from my life by bringing their babies over and letting me have cuddles. Or let me invade their house for HOURS at a time where I barely talk to them and just stare at the baby (Michelle!).
All of my friends who have provided words of encouragement, brought over food and snacks, or stopped by for a coffee and a chat. I feel so loved and am so grateful for that!

Most of all I'm thankful for my health. Yeah yeah I know I am going through chemotherapy and had two major abdominal surgeries, but things could be worse and I could be handling things a lot worse as well. Small victories.

October 12th, 2013

Bald Head Buddies

"Hair is vitally personal to children.

They weep vigorously when it is cut for the first time; no matter how

it grows, bushy, straight or curly, they feel they are being shorn of

a part of their personality."

~Charles Chaplin, My Autobiography, 1964


I don't think I'll look at my hair in a negative way ever again in my life. I was thinking about that today, looking at myself in the mirror as I got ready for the day. I used to hate my naturally curly hair. I would straighten it a lot, or tie it back tightly, rarely letting it do it's own thing. They say that your hair can completely change after going through chemotherapy - apparently it's rare that it comes back the same, so who knows, maybe it will come back white blonde and stick straight! No matter what it looks like, I feel like I will always appreciate it. Sure, I'll probably have bad hair days or get frustrated when I'm growing it out, but I'll still appreciate it.

I knew that my hair was going to fall out - the nurses and doctors were pretty clear that it wasn't just a common side effect, it was a guarantee. A couple of weeks after my second surgery when I already knew I would be doing chemo I went to my hairdresser and said "let's chop it". For me it was almost an emotional test to see how I would handle a sudden change in my hairstyle. I enjoyed the cut, it was cute, had lots of movement and body, but I already missed my long hair. My hair started falling out almost 2 weeks to the day after my first chemo treatment, exactly when they said it would. At first I couldn't really tell the difference between my normal amount of hair loss and chemo loss, until one day it just wouldn't stop coming out. Handfuls of it at a time. My scalp hurt, almost like I had a really bad sunburn, and I was devastated. Prepared, sure, but devastated. I won't lie, I cried a lot for a few days while I tried to decide what to do. I talked to my sisters and my mom, they were heartbroken for me. Then one day my sister Kristy told me to shave it, she made that point that if I made the appointment to get it shaved and did it in my own time, then I was taking control. I called and made the appointment, and promptly burst into tears as soon as I got off the phone. I only had one and a half days until that appointment, and I honestly just tried to put it out of my mind. The day came and my mom had driven in from Kelowna, Chris came with me and so did Kristy, and we found some wifi so we could FaceTime my other sister Heather in Kelowna. Wow - what a hard day. I had amazing support, and of course everyone told me I looked good with a shaved head, but they kind of had to at that exact moment!
I haven't gone anywhere without a wig on. I even don't like going out in the backyard without a wig on in case I run into a neighbour. In the last part of that quote at the top of this post, Chaplin says "shorn of a part of their personality". While he's talking about a child's first haircut I think he accurately describes what any man or woman feels when faced with sudden hair loss. Who am I now? Does my bald head scream "CANCER PATIENT!" to everyone? Does a shaved head change who I am? No, but the whole process of going through cancer certainly has. People would undoubtedly stare if I wandered around bald, would I be able to handle all the looks, all the stares, all the judgement? Probably not. I'm a fairly confident person but I'm not quite ready to go about my everyday life thinking about what everyone else is thinking about me, because for some reason I always think that people assume the worst. My wigs allow me to have that layer of protection, I am happy I have them. That being said, I don't REALLY care what other people think, I am the one fighting cancer and kicking butt at it, and I don't want or need to waste my energy explaining my looks to anyone.
I went to a session at the Tom Baker called Look Good Feel Better, it was a short course on how to apply makeup and how to choose a wig. Kristy came with me and we both noted that I was by far the youngest person there. The course was interesting (and the freebies were great!), but the one thing I will always remember from that is how much some of those ladies attending just lit up when they put a wig on. It immediately boosted their self confidence, their eyes brightened and their shoulders dropped and chins lifted. Amazing. When other attendees would offer a sincere compliment the smiles would start. It was then that I realized how much our emotions and self confidence are attached to our hair.
I realized tonight that my 12 week old niece now has more hair than I do. My first thought was "holy crap where did that hair come from!?", and my second was "gee I hope my hair grows that fast". I'll share a picture with you guys at the end of this post - me and her with almost the same hairstyle. Maybe I can start keeping a running tally of what we both look like as we grow out our hair!

One good thing about going through chemo - it's like getting a blank slate, tabula rasa. You get to essentially start from scratch and reinvent your identity - new hair, new eyebrows, new outlook on life - but this time you get a pre-built, solid network of loving friends and family. How can you go wrong with that kind of start?


October 6th, 2013

How to Ask for Help

How to ask for help. Seems simple enough, doesn't it? By its very definition, help means to make it easier for someone to do something by offering aid. We have all helped someone at some point in our lives. Most likely on a daily basis - for example I ask my husband sometimes to get me a drink from the basement, that's technically asking for help. I know that I personally love helping in any way that I can. I will run errands for people, babysit, pick someone up from the bar when they can't get a cab. I don't ever expect anything in return, I never say "you owe me", I just like feeling useful. I imagine a lot of people feel that way.

All of the books, blogs, pamphlets etc. that I have read since my diagnoses say the same thing - ask for help when you need it. Your recovery from surgery will be easier if you have help. Your path through treatment will be smooth if you ask for help. They even tell you to set up a chore schedule and meal schedule with your friends so that you always have someone coming by. Seriously? Sure, I would love it if someone wanted to come vacuum for me, or clean my bathroom (I hate doing that), or bring me a vat of soup, but i don't want it scheduled and certainly don't want people to feel like they have to do something! Since I recently decided to hire cleaners - we don't need the added stress of keeping the house spic and span in our lives - I think that side of things will get easier. They came today for the first time, which is what inspired this post. ( Side note - holy crap my house is clean! ) On the food side, I would much rather someone pop by with a cupcake or a treat and spend some time chatting. That's the kind of help I need - to feel like I'm still somewhat normal. Yes, my normal has changed, but I still love the same things as I did before all of this started.

So given how we feel when we selflessly offer help to someone, why do we feel so bad about needing to ask for help? I think it's a fear of rejection, or the fear of seeming weak, especially to people who know you as the complete opposite. That's the problem with being known as the strong one, or the independent one, or the tough one. Everyone knows you can win the battle, but everyone also assumes you can handle it. There's a big difference between fighting it and handling it. I'm definitely stubborn - just ask my mom, she would probably tell you any number of stories from when I was a kid. Like the time I was two years old and stubbornly didn't want to go down for a nap, clearly I was too old for naps, so my mom gave in but a short time later she found me passed out in the middle of the hallway. I just look at it as freedom of choice. Haha. It's that stubbornness that is helping me get through this. But that same stubbornness makes me not want to ask for help. So one piece of advice I can offer all of you if you have friends or family going through a difficult time - be annoying with your offers, and be specific with your offers. I'm so lucky to have the amazing support system that I have, and also lucky that I am physically handling things so well, so I honestly (seriously) don't need a lot of help. So thank you to all my friends and family.



October 3rd, 2013

A little about me....


I guess I should start off by introducing myself and explaining my story. My name is Amber, I am currently 31 years old, married to a wonderful man, and have a four legged fur child that is the center of my world. Before our life came to a screeching halt, we were moving along in life as we thought we should be; buy a house, get engaged, get a dog, get married, plan a family etc. And then...

Back in March 2013 I had started to have some strange pains in my abdomen, so I made an appointment to go see my doctor and given my history of cysts she sent me for an ultrasound. I'm one of those people that always reads into things too much, so I was trying to ask the ultrasound tech questions, read her facial expressions, basically try to get them to tell me what she was seeing but they're so good at keeping it all in! My doctor had previously unofficially diagnosed me with IBS (there isn't really a good test for that either) and so in talking with my family and friends I thought it was probably related to that and I should have nothing to worry about. Then I got the call that I needed to go in and see my doctor about the results - they had found a very large cyst - measuring over 10cmx10cm - on my left ovary. She was referring me to a gynecologist to talk about surgery. As luck would have it the gynecologist she referred me to was a family friend, who was very nice and always completely honest with me from the start. He said the cyst was very large but the issue was that it was intertwined with my bladder and other "objects" in there, so because of the complications he wanted me to see a gynecologic oncologist who would be able to remove it safely. Fast forward to after my first surgery - we got the pathology results back and it was not good - the large mass was a borderline tumor and there was a smaller mass which was classified as a serous carcinoma. I had stage III ovarian cancer. My oncologist was floored - he said I was too young to have suspected this, and to make things more interesting my cancer is VERY receptive to hormones - I scored a 7/8 for progesterone receptors and 8/8 for estrogen receptors. He said that is extremely rare for my type of OC. Yay me. They also found invasive implants in my omentum and one of my lymph nodes, plus the uterus and the other ovary. The second surgery to remove the remaining cancer was scheduled for July 10 and in the meantime I tried to handle things emotionally. The second surgery also went well, thanks to my amazing oncologist and after a few weeks of recovery from yet another major abdominal surgery we went in to discuss the next steps. I am currently going through chemotherapy, "they" want me to do 6 rounds total, one every three weeks and I am already halfway done!

So since September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month, I have some stats for you:



September 30th, 2013

First Post

Cancer has come into my life like a freight train in the past 18 months. First with a dear friend's mom who was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and then with me, diagnosed with stage IIIc hormone receptive serous carcinoma of the ovary earlier this year. My friend's mom passed away recently and I find myself missing her daily updates, missing the courage and hope that reading her daily adventures gave me. I have learned so much and have such a great support system, I want to be able to share my journey with others in hopes that I can help another young woman cope with this horrible disease. Hopefully I will cover the good, the bad, the ugly, I will try to answer some of life's tough questions, and sometimes may even pose some of my own questions that come into my crazy brain! So join me as I try to track my journey and hopefully help some others along the way.


September 26th, 2013

Further Reading

Teal is my New Black

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